Actions Speak

I began this post this morning with tears streaming down my face.  It's taken me, literally, all day to write it.  I always want to be cautious that I don't come across as offensive because that's never my intention, so I've read, re-read, edited and edited more than I've ever done on any other post.  So, up front, I want you all to know my heart.  This was written from the perspective of a mother with a child who wears glasses and how this fun "Nerd Day" at many public schools today, absolutely, wreaked havoc on my heart.  Some may think I'm crazy or being overly sensitive and I'm ok with that because the truth is, I might be a little extra sensitive about this.  But please try to read through it with an open mind and through the innocent mind of a child...your child, perhaps?  As I, myself, have tried to place myself in my daughter's mind....  

Our children are shaped by us and their surroundings.  More-so than we would like at times.  I am NOT a perfect parent and feel I fall far short by any standards.  I feel more challenged on a daily basis in my parenting of Ava because of the way God knit her together.  She's sweet and tender-hearted.  She's got sass and a silly personality.  She loves to boss lead others.  She's a rule follower when there are rules and boundaries.  But she's a negotiator and a really good one.  When she has her heart set on something, she can rationalize and negotiate to where you sit dumbfounded and go "well, yes, that does make sense".  She's amazing!  She's smart and artistic.  And she's beautiful...but buried deep inside this perfect gift God gave us, is the tiniest desire to be loved and accepted by everyone around her.  We all have that desire within us to some degree.  And it's challenging to parent a child who is so strong in her will yet so tender in her heart.  Five and a half years and we're still trying to figure it out.  Always praying for God to help us and when we fail we ask God to be merciful and help her not be screwed up from our shortcomings.  (Can I get an "Amen!" from anyone?!)

It was just before Thanksgiving when we noticed that Ava's right eye was drifting inward a lot.  I, immediately, called the eye doctor's office to schedule an appointment.  Due to the Thanksgiving holiday, we had to wait almost a full week before being seen.  As a parent, it felt like an eternity when you know something is not right and you feel like the longer you have to wait the worse the situation is becoming.  The exam revealed that Ava's right eye just has a more difficult time focusing (possibly due to school and having to focus much more intently in front of her or due to the day in which we live with so many electronic devices that children get to play with -- iPhones and iPads that they hold close to their faces to play.  Guilty parent here.) so when Ava's eyes become more relaxed, that eye just drifts inward.  Her vision in both eyes is perfect so there's really nothing they need to do for her vision.  She has a prescription/glasses to help her right eye to focus and not drift.

As many of you have seen, she is stinking C.U.T.E. in her little purple glasses.  But what you don't see and what you didn't hear were the tears and the questions from a little girl who knew she would look different than the other kids in her class.  "What if they laugh at me?"  "Do I have to wear them forever?"  "I like me better without glasses."  Every tear she cried, I, secretly, cried, too.  Each question a dagger to my heart.  Because every question she was asking was the same question that flooded my mind and gripped me with panic.

What IF the kids laugh at her?
How do I protect her heart from this?
I can't.
It's a part of life but why does it have to be?
Kids can be cruel out of ignorance.  It's not going to change how it affects Ava.  It will crush her.
Dear God.
Help her.
Help me.
Help me help her.
What do I do?
What do I say?

I cannot tell you how many times we have affirmed and continue to affirm her.  I cannot tell you how, desperately, I want OUR affirmation to be ENOUGH.  But we all know it's not enough.  We still want those around us to speak positive things about us.  It is no different in the heart of a 5 year old little girl.  To God be the glory that after Ava's first day at school with her glasses not a single kid made fun of her.  One of her sweet little friends even told her that she liked her new glasses.  We have less issues with the glasses now than we did, but she'd still rather not wear them.  And....if I'm being honest, I miss looking straight into those big blue eyes without dodging frames or seeing through reflective glare.  But it is what it is right now.  We continually pray that God would restore focus to that eye, strength to the muscles around that eye and we believe that day is coming.  But until then, we continue to affirm her because we never know when the stupid devil might rear his ugly head.  Like today.  But not with her. With me.

This week has been Dr. Seuss week at school for Ava.  She attends a private Christian school nearby, for those who may not know.  I wanted to fix her hair like Cindy Leu Who on Tuesday but Ava refused because it was "different" than "normal".  Remember that 5 year old who cares what others think about her??  So, we did a normal hairstyle.  Yesterday, Wednesday, was Wacky Wednesday.  I assured her that EVERYONE was dressing silly for school.  She was game then!  So, she dressed silly and loved it!  I even saw that the public schools were doing Wacky Wednesday, too.  Today, some public schools are doing "Hat Day" and others are having "Nerd Day". And just typing that word, "nerd", makes my stomach curl.  Not because I've had a previous bad experience with candy "nerds" and ate too many once.  But because all of the pictures I've seen of kids dressed up as "nerds", they're all wearing glasses.  Believe me.  They're ALL ADORABLE and I love them!!  I love your kids!  So, please don't get me wrong.  I get the stereotype.  I went to school once.  Many years ago...But many of these kids that I've seen, they're all kindergarteners.  Do they even know what the term "nerd" means?  Have they ever heard that word before?  I'd venture out on a limb here and say no, they probably haven't.  It's not a term we use in our household on a regular basis (haven't ever) so my hope is that other families aren't tossing the word around either.  I couldn't help but wonder what may have been conveyed to these little 5 and 6 year old minds regarding what a nerd is....someone who wears glasses?  Someone who doesn't dress "cool"?   Have you looked up the term "nerd" in a dictionary?  I did and it's not actually what I had originally thought.  Dictionary.com defines "nerd" as the following:

  1.  a stupid, irritating, ineffectual, or unattractive person.
  2.  an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit: a computer nerd.

I'm confident that no one would have intended that their child portray these characteristics today.  At least, I hope not.  My fear is that children are learning way too young to label someone based on what they see on the outside.  My daughter is not a "nerd", period.  But I, certainly, don't want ANYONE to label her as one because she wears glasses.  An observation made on the outside does not reflect the nature of one on the inside. If only we could all be more like the Lord in this respect (myself included):

"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  1 Samuel 16:7 NIV

I want to raise my children to see the good in others, even if the outward appearance or behavior is not what we always view as "normal".  Because regardless of what we see, God's hand was at work when each and every individual was made.  "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb."  Psalm 139:13.  Are we quick to judge by what we see?  Yes.  I'm convinced its the sinful nature within us that we have to crucify daily.  I've even had to remind myself and Jordan to be careful of our judgements when simply watching American Idol.  Because there are little eyes watching and ears listening to the singers perform and hearing what we say in regards to their performance and she's gathering all that information and processing it in her 5 year old little mind.  They learn.  From US.  I've never wanted to be more careful of my words and actions than now.  Our behavior towards a child with special needs is picked up on by our children.  That child with an extra chromosome or a unique genetic "makeup" didn't happen by mistake.  GOD'S HAND created that child.  Scientists gave "it" a name.  God just calls them HIS.  A child who wears glasses is no different than a child without.  It's just an extra accessory they get to sport.  But the tender heart of a child can't comprehend this.  My 5 year old's little heart can't comprehend this.  So, I'm thankful today that it was "Green Eggs and Ham Day" at her school and not "Nerd Day".  Because she's smart.  If I told Ava that it was "Nerd Day" at school and she had to dress up (how would we dress her up, by the way?!)....and she walked into her classroom and saw that EVERY SINGLE KID was wearing glasses just like her???  She'd put two and two together.  And then I can hear the barrage of questions as I wipe the tears..."Am I a nerd, Mommy?"  "Then why did all the kids wear glasses like me today?"  I know it's all in fun for the kids and I hope they did have fun.  But what about the one like Ava?  The one who wears glasses EVERY DAY?  The one who put on their glasses this morning and went to school to see their peers wearing glasses and dressed up in an "unfashionable" way all in the name of fun??!!  How did they feel today?  What happened in the deepest parts of their heart today?

So, this post is for that one kid that sat in a public classroom today wearing glasses because they have to, who already knows their outward appearance is different than the rest and had to witness the stereotype of society that "nerds" wear glasses.  May their lives never be defined by their peers.  May they never be defined by society.  But may they always be defined as the special and unique person that God created them to be from the beginning of time.  And may we, as parents, strive to teach our children to love others.  Truly love others.  And to be aware of what we "say" without saying a word.  And for any mommies and daddies who will wipe tears from their baby's eyes after school today, keep affirming them.  Don't be too tired of saying the same thing over and over and over and over again.  They need to hear their worth and value from you...endlessly.

And lastly, is there a petition that can be signed to end "Nerd Day" in school?!

There's NOTHING "nerdy" about this incredible daughter of the Most High God who will help change the world one day!

Sincerely,

christy

Where's My Christmas Card?

As we are quickly approaching Christmas Day, my mailbox continues to flood with the loveliest of Christmas cards from so many of our dearest friends.  Receiving Christmas cards each year is one of the things I look forward to most.  I love seeing the creativity behind a Christmas photo shoot and seeing how families and kids have grown each year.  And I absolutely LOVE having my own photo shoot and designing our personal Christmas card each year!  Throughout the entire Fall season I've been dreaming up and envisioning what our card would look like this year and I was so excited to proudly display BOTH of my babies on the card....last year we were just a family of 3 and now we are 4!!  Yay!!!!

It's amazing how much can change in just 1 year.  It's been an exciting year for us with sweet Pierce joining our family.  It's also been a challenging year between having a rough pregnancy, his miraculous delivery, adjusting to being a mommy of 2, Ava starting kindergarten and having homework and spelling tests every week, being a wife and stay at home mom who also happens to have a photography business and some amazing clients that have kept my schedule joyfully packed.  I just wrapped up my last pre-Christmas photo session last weekend and rushed to get it edited so I could try to coast into Christmas with a clean slate and the hope of being pressure-free.  Yet, all the while, a photo shoot with Ava and Pierce and the designing of our Christmas card still loomed over my head.

I've been doing a quick photo shoot with Pierce every month for his baby book (don't ask if I've printed any!) and he turned 6 months old on December 15th so I dropped everything else on my "to do" list and did a quick session with him and Ava last week.  That may sound easy enough to you....but.....when you're a perfectionist of a human being/photographer, it's never quite so simple.  Session completed but there's still the culling process and then the editing process and while one thing gets accomplished there's always something else, somewhere, that falls behind.  Laundry.  Dishes.  A clean house.  Grocery shopping.  Christmas shopping.  And so on.

Could I have gotten a Christmas card designed with a quick snapshot of the kids and a sweet little Christmas wish perfectly centered in a pretty font on the back?  Yes.  Could I have gotten them ordered and delivered to my doorstep this week?  Yes.  Could I have gotten them addressed, stamped and dropped in the mailbox by today?  Yes.  Would I have missed out on doing Christmas crafts with Ava?  Yes.  Would I have missed extra snuggles and giggles with Pierce?  Yes.  Would I have missed Ava's Christmas party at school?  Yes.  Would I have missed Christmas shopping with Jordan?  Yes.  Would I have missed these memories in order to send all of our precious family and friends a Christmas card that you would have only enjoyed for maybe 3 days?  Yes.  And every time I pondered what mattered most to me in this season, right now, the hustle and bustle and stress to follow tradition fell short.  Way, way, way, way short.

As I type this, I glance around my living room to find a half decorated mantle that is nowhere near what I wanted it to be because I never had the time to make the pretty burlap banner I had wanted to or make a pretty garland from fresh Frasier Fir branches.  The very top portion of our Christmas lights on the tree went out a few days ago and we haven't changed them out and won't at this point.  Pierce has a stocking that doesn't match the rest of ours because I never got around to making new ones like I wanted.  But in this very moment, there is peace and stillness, not only in my house and not just because the babies are asleep, but it's nestled down inside me because I've chosen to not fret over things I can't change or things that matter less than what I cherish and value most in my life.  My family.  I would rather Ava remember that I sat down in a tiny little chair right next to hers in her classroom.  I'd rather remember the excitement on her face when I made it to her party on time.  I'd rather remember all the fun of our first Christmas as a family of four than fill my heart and my home with anxiety and tension over what I "thought" this Christmas should "look" like.  And I'd rather share my love with all of you here, in this blog post, just so you know that you weren't forgotten or wonder how you didn't make my "card cut" this year.  No one did.  But it wasn't because you weren't loved or that we didn't think of you.  We've thought of EACH one of you and we want YOUR Christmas to be filled with what matters MOST, too - the ones you love most!

I'll cross my fingers and challenge myself to be ahead of the game next year because I do want to share in the card giving again!  It just didn't happen this year and I'm thankful that I know you understand.  :o)

I wouldn't dare leave you without some cuteness so please enjoy a few of my favorites from the photo shoot last week.  :o)

From our happy little family of 4 to your precious family...

xoxox

christy

(and Jordan, Ava and Pierce, too)

Lacey + Laura + Ava +Pierce

My gorgeous niece, Lacey, asked if I could take some pictures of her for her 8th grade year.  I happily agreed and this turned into a fun session with her, her best friend and I threw Ava and Pierce in the mix too.  I felt like I killed 3 birds with one stone that day.  Yeah baby.  That's how I like to roll.  Ha.  If only I could feel so productive the other 6 days of the week.  ;op  

Lacey - you are beautiful and I am so thankful God chose this family to place you in.  I love your heart, your compassion, even your blonde moments....they keep us laughing.  A LOT.  ;op  I pray you always see the good in yourself and others.  Pursue the heart of God and chase His plans for your life no matter what.  We love you!  

Laura - You are sweet and I am so thankful that you are Lacey's best friend.  It's a joy to know you and to know that my niece has such a sweet friend in you.  I hope you enjoy your pictures!  :o)

(click image for larger view)

L.O.V.E.

BFF's

xoxox

christy

Discipline + Stories

"Because the Lord disciplines those He loves."

Proverbs 3:12

Discipline isn't fun.  

It's not fun to discipline our children.  It's certainly not fun to be disciplined yourself.  But when discipline is given IN love, it makes it a little easier to swallow.  We discipline our children because we love them but its important to USE love when disciplining, not anger or frustration.  I wish I could tell you I use this method all the time when I correct Ava, but, unfortunately, I haven't.  I've been sleep deprived with a new baby.  Nursing is a full time job.  Period.  But I don't want to make excuses for my lack of parenting in a godly way.  I want to repent and seek the better way.  Why?  Because I have had such a great example of disciplining IN love, recently.  I have been disciplined.  Chastised.  Corrected.  In love.  By my heavenly Father.  What has He shown me lately that isn't pleasing Him?  I want to share it with you.  But please know this is what He's been revealing to ME.   I am not sharing this to pass my convictions off on anyone else.  I'm not condemning anyone.  There is no condemnation in Christ.  This all stems from habits that have slowly crept in on me and my amazing Daddy has ever so sweetly been revealing my errors, my flaws.  I have them.  I'm farrrrrr from perfect.  FAR.FROM.IT.  

The past 12 months of my life have been a combination of everything I dreamed of and nothing I expected at the same time.  Our family has experienced one change after another and my S/I personality has been a little rocked by it all.  I like structure and stability.  I haven't seen much of that in these last 12 months from quitting a job at a company I'd been with for 15 years to becoming a mother of two, to my husband quitting his job for full time ministry.  It's been a whirlwind.  And honestly, since I became pregnant with Pierce, I have felt like my body was under a heavy spiritual attack, which has lasted up to the very present.  Have I fallen back on every Biblical truth I know regarding the enemy's schemes and attacks?  Have I lifted up my shield of faith daily?  No.  I have been utterly human and near sighted to my "problems" and what's been wrong with ME that I had slowly lost the joy and excitement I first experienced when God answered my prayers for quitting my job and becoming pregnant again.  

I don't even want to list everything I have physically encountered because of the negative tone in which it would all be shared.  This is where Correction #1 comes into play.  I have been too negative.  Complaining.  I have not shown gratitude for all that God HAS done in these last 12 months.  I have been so consumed with how I have been feeling that I haven't taken the time to praise Him for the blessings He has so graciously blessed my family with.  Every single thing we prayed for, He has answered.  What should we have to complain about??  Nothing.  And tonight I repent.  Forgive me Jesus. And I'm choosing to lift up a heart of thankfulness and praise.  

Being at home all day, every day, has not been what I had expected.  Honestly, how did our household run in any sort of order or efficiently when I worked full time??!!  Maybe baby #2 and that whole process of being pregnant thwarted my intentions or expectations.  I don't know.  But I don't feel like I get much accomplished.  The hours slip away much faster it seems than when I sat in an office 8 hours a day.  There are more days than not when the house is a wreck, clothes aren't washed, dirty dishes are still in the sink and the bed's not made.  New baby and nursing may account for much of that but still... 

What God has been revealing to me is the amount of time I spend with my stupid phone in my face throughout the day.  Every notification tone prompts me to pick up my phone to see what's going on.  New emails.  New Facebook comments.  Oh, someone liked my picture on Instagram.  Someone retweeted me.  Scrolling through the Facebook timeline to see what's going on in the lives of everyone else.  All while missing out on the life I'm living and the little lives right under my nose.  Chastisement #2.  

Do I neglect the needs of my children for the sake of keeping up with social media?  No.  Does Ava get my undivided attention every.single.solitary.moment.she's.talking?  (That's a lot, by the way.)  No.  If I've said, "just one minute baby" one time, I've said it a thousand.  Why?  So I could finish scrolling through Facebook and catching up on everyone's posts.  Does she need my undivided attention 100% of the time?  No.  But the Lord has been asking me what it must feel like to be her when she darts from her bedroom into the living room all dressed up in an outfit she's picked out herself, that doesn't match, and asks "mommy, do I look pretty?" and it takes me 10 seconds to finish glancing at my phone before I look up to notice her.  I can only imagine that if she could really put it into words, she wouldn't feel like much of a priority.  And that cuts at my heart.  Deep.  

And when Ava's at school during the day and it's just Pierce and me...He's nursing while I'm app hopping...Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Candy Crush.  I'm stuck in a recliner with a baby in my lap.  What else is there to do?  Watch TV?  Nothing good on and I don't get a lot of quiet so I like it better off.  I softly caress the top of Pierce's head.  I glance down at his sweet angelic face. 

"Christy?"

"Yes Lord?"

"You know he won't be this little forever, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then savor these moments My child.  Five years from now you'll wonder where these moments went. Cherish them.  Soak him in.  Deeply."

"Yes Lord."

And my heart is twisted like a pretzel.  Filled with conviction.  Filled with a touch of anger at myself.  And at the enemy.  Social media has the amazing ability to connect us with some great people - our families, friends, clients, potential clients, etc.  But it has also had the deceptive ability to steal my time from what's most important.  So, I really felt the Lord nudging me to eliminate my distractions.  I turned off all of my social media notifications.  No more chiming when there's new updates on my social media apps.  No little red numbers rearing its ugly head at me when I look at my phone.  No banners on my lock screen.  My only notifications come from emails and text messages.  So, if you need to get me in a more timely manner - text, email or call me.  I'll only check social media sites when I'm available to check them...not when my little loves are in the room or when my hot hubby is home from work.  I'd apologize for my lack of "liking" your photos or your posts or if I don't comment on a life event or situation that happened to you on any given day but in keeping up with your lives, I've been missing out on my own and that's the only thing I am sorry for.  

Can I even express the amount of peace that such a simple thing like this has brought into my life within the last 24 hours???  OH.MY.WORD.  You have no idea.  Unless you try it.  I dare ya.  ;op

Yesterday Ava runs from her bedroom with such excitement and brings me a purple piece of paper that she has written scribbled on and exclaims, "Mommy, I wrote a story!!!  A real story!!!"  And because I didn't have my phone in my face and my heart was focused on the right thing, I was able to connect with her, listen to her "story" and have one of the sweetest moments with her that I've ever had.  I took her piece of paper, turned it over and asked her to "read" me her story while I wrote it down on the backside.  I jotted down her name, how old she was and the date.  Every writer has a first story.  This was hers.  And I wanted to have it.  To save it.  For that one day, years from now.  Just in case she ever does become a real writer.  

Her story began with "Ariel had a brilliant day" and ended with "Ariel loves her father very much."  She told her story in a sing song fashion while she rocked from one foot to the other with her hands clasped together in front of her.  Every now and then she threw in a little spin.  Because that's what she does.  :o)  I can never have yesterday back.  And I can't help but think how I could have missed her "story" if I had had my nose in my phone and just, nonchalantly, said, "yeah, Ava.  That's great baby."  She would have just grinned and ran back to her room to scribble some more.  I would have missed the brilliance.  I would have missed the love for a father.  I would have missed the 4 other stories she "wrote" following that one.  I would have missed so much more in her 1 life than the 25+ lives on Facebook.  Her life matters so much more to me. 

I'm excited to have more of these moments with my creative little bundle of girly-girl princess, ninja turtle loving daughter.  I will cherish the full face grins of my little miracle boy while he nurses in my arms.  I'll soak them all in.  I'll engrave them on my heart.  I'll feel my joy meter overflowing.  And I can't help but think I can see my Savior smiling down on me and saying, "you have chosen the better thing My dear.  Well done."  He loves me.  Because He loves me, He wants what's best for me.  And it took His chastisement to lead me there.  Oh how He loves.  

I'm sure this won't be my last lesson learned through His loving discipline but until there's another one, there are stories to write and memories to be made.  Joy to experience and love to be shared.  

xoxox

christy

She's Teaching Me...

The events of this morning what began in the wee hours of this morning would probably make you chuckle, if not laugh out loud.  I pray I can find them comical at some point throughout the day...think spit up and baby poop two times and then again three times over and your imagination can entertain you for a little bit.  I, however, was not and am still not entertained.

Jordan is typically home in the mornings to help with the scrambling about of getting Ava ready for school while I am usually confined to the recliner nursing Pierce.  Not so this morning.  He needed to be somewhere by 8:15 which meant I needed to be leaving the house by 8:15 to drop Ava off at school.  Let me interject right here and say that I am SO unbelievably, incredibly thankful I do not have to try to do all of this and head in for a full time job as well.  My prayers to all of you who do.  And so, by the time I had Pierce relatively in a "normal" state (clean diaper, clean clothes, clean hair and body) and resting contently in his bouncer seat, it was about 7:40.  I, immediately, went to work on Ava's hair.  They were told to wear their "team colors" to school today and Ava wanted to wear her "big" Auburn hair bow.  If you all know me and know me well, you understand that there really aren't any "big" hairbows within our possession.  But we do have this ONE for game days which she's actually never worn because....well....I'm just not the "big" hairbow kinda gal.  Haters gonna hate.  Players gonna play.  Whatever.  Whatever.  The bigger the bow is not my motto.  Ava wanted pig tails for school last week with a hairbow in each one.  I fixed her hair and picked out the only two little matching hairbows we could find.  MY CHILD cried because the hairbows were not big enough!!!!!  WHAT?!  Apparently, one of her little friends at school had worn pig tails with "BIG" hairbows in them and Ava, naturally, wanted hers to be just like that.  Sorry kid.  No "BIG" hairbows here...especially 2 matching ones.  The other day in car line, I saw the girl.  Pig tails.  Two "BIG" hairbows.  Thanks kid.  Ashley Noerper, Lauren Robison, Michaelle Ragsdale....this is the kind of influence your daughters will be having on the "non-BIG-hairbow-wearing" girls!!!  Thank you.  I hope you feel your mission in life has been accomplished!!  HAHAHA!!!!  Seriously, the little girl was a doll and I even told Ava we would have to find her some big hairbows.  SOOOO.....you girls need to help this momma out because they don't just sell those at Walmart.  I looked.  :op

Since we don't normally wear "BIG" hairbows, I wanted to fix Ava's hair so the bow was a little more towards the back part of her head and not on the very top.  So what I attempted to do was pull the top half of her hair back while keeping the front going more side swept than straight back, if that makes sense.  Well, since my morning started out so "entertaining", it should have been obvious that this was not going to go swimmingly.  One attempt.  2nd attempt.  4th attempt.  5th attempt.  UGH.  Forget it.  Top front side of your hair pulled back and the hairbow on the top.  I.DON'T.CARE.ANYMORE.  Let's brush your teeth and get your stuff together and load up.

Cue Pierce getting fussy.

I get Ava's lunch box out of the refrigerator and accidentally popped the lid on her water bottle.  While it was laying on its side.  On the stove.  So now I have water pouring onto the stove and getting her lunch box wet.  Great.  Moving on and we get everything packed up and ready to go.  I go to get Pierce in the carseat and he's asleep.  Awesome.  Move him into the carseat without waking him up.  HA.  Not on this day.  Not on THIS DAY.  It's 8:18.  Cry if you must sweet boy.  WE'VE GOTTA GO.  And so he does.  But, thankfully, not for long.

Ok Ava.  Let's go.  Let's go.  LET'S GO!!!!  And then she speaks these words:

"And we've gotta pray mommy."

And I paused.  And I pulled her in close to me.  And I took a deep breath.  And I prayed for her.  Like we do every.single.morning.before.we.walk.out.the.door.

I don't always parent well.  I don't always have it all together.  Especially as of late.  I'm not a perfect person.  I'm not a perfect mommy.  I'm not a perfect wife.  Ask my husband.  I'm human and I'm struggling too with my own feelings and emotions and situations and circumstances like so many of you may be doing.  I'm trying.  Surviving seems to be more fitting these days.

We ask Ava every single day, "what did you learn at school today?"  Every single time, her response is, "I don't remember."

Last night we tried to help her remember her shapes because they are having an oral test on them today.  She's having trouble remembering the differences between a square and a rectangle.

Today, she reminds me that we need to pray.  My sweet, sweet, precious little girl, that I feel so unworthy to have, I don't care if you never remember that a square looks like a box and that a rectangle looks like a door.  I don't care if you still can't recognize all of your numbers from 1 to 10.  I don't care if you still can't remember the middle part of the alphabet song.  If you always, always, ALWAYS, remember to PRAY, you are smarter than the most decorated college graduate on the planet with more degrees than a thermometer.  And today, you were smarter than mommy.  Keep teaching me baby girl...keep teaching me.

"Jesus, help me be better.  In every way because you've entrusted two incredible young lives to me and I do not want to fail them.  Ever.  Amen."

(Ava with her "BIG" hairbow. War Eagle.)

(And here's Pierce from a couple of weeks ago. Dashing.)

xoxox

christy

FIVE

(photo by Taylor Haynie Photography)

It's been 1,826 days, 260 weeks, 60 months, 5 whole, gone-by-entirely-way-too-fast, years since this beautiful little girl that I am blessed to call my daughter, was so graciously gifted to us.  I never knew what to expect five years ago.  I never knew my heart could love so much, love so deeply, love so big, love so selflessly.  I never knew I could be challenged in so many ways to be better, to grow more, to learn more, to love more, apologize more and even to forgive more.  

Ava,

You are fun, full of joy and full of life.  You never cease to make us laugh.  You are so incredibly smart and the most beautiful little girl in the world.  Your personality is so bubbly, silly and sweet.  You always make us smile.  You have a compassionate heart and a gentle spirit.  You are loving and caring and it makes this mommy's heart smile.  You love bedtime stories, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, night time prayers and my personal favorite, star kisses!  You have a quirky little love for dressing up and picking out your own outfits.  Some make me chuckle while others impress me because it actually looks good but I would not have put it together in that way.  I love your hugs.  I love your laughter.  I love the cute little freckles that have recently popped up on your sweet cheeks.  I love the sparkle in your eyes.  I love your wavy, curly blonde hair that I prayed so desperately for God to give you.  I love that you still have your baby lovey and that you still suck your thumb.  It reminds me of your sweet innocence even though I know Baby will be just a memory before long and you'll stop sucking your thumb.  You are growing into a big girl and I'm clinging to every ounce of babyhood I can...not too tightly, but clinging nonetheless.

(photo by Taylor Haynie Photography)

You became a Big Sister this year, just seven weeks ago.  I wondered how I could love another baby as much as I love you but God gives us so much love to share.  I wondered how you would adjust with another baby for mommy and daddy to love on.  You have been AMAZING!!  You love on your baby brother in such a sweet, gentle way.  You have been a tremendous help to mommy.  Pierce has such a great big sister to look up to and I am so incredibly proud of you.  I pray you both have a special bond and closeness as the years pass by and that you will be the best of friends.

In just a couple of weeks you will start Kindergarten.  From the time we celebrated your very first birthday, I realized how quickly this time would come but I'm still wrestling with how we arrived so soon.  I know you will love being back in a "school" environment and you will do so well and learn so much.  You love being social and will make so many new friends and I have no doubt you will have a ton of fun.  I pray your teacher has a sweet, kind and gentle spirit and that God will help her play a special part in drawing out the best in you.  You have many more years of school ahead of you.  This is still just the beginning of the beautiful journey God has for you.  I'm in awe simply watching you grow and discovering the uniqueness that God placed inside you as He intricately knit you together all these years ago.  Your Daddy and I are so blessed to call you ours.

(photo by Taylor Haynie Photography)

Happy Birthday sweet girl!!  We love you beyond expression.  

xoxoxoxox          

Messy to Clean

Her bedroom has been a disaster for about a month.  Maybe longer.  I've avoided cleaning it because I knew I would have to "really" clean it once I finished painting her new bedroom furniture and we do the whole furniture swap thing.  But I got sucked into the "black hole", as we call it sometimes, yesterday while Ava was getting a bath.  I cleaned.  And I cleaned.  And I got Ava out of the bath and I cleaned some more while she watched TV in the living room.  When I was almost finished with her room, Ava runs in and sweetly asks, "Mommy, can I help you?"  I was more reluctant for her to help because I really just wanted to get the job done and move on but her willingness to help and her sweet convincing voice was enough for me to give in!  I gave her a few things to put away and then she darted back out of the room as quickly as she'd darted in.  Her total time contribution was probably 5 minutes, maybe 10 at the max.  

(Sorry...didn't get any "before" pictures of the messy room)

All her toys were put away and the floor could be seen again so I pulled out the vacuum cleaner and had just turned it on when the little flitter bug bounces back into her freshly cleaned room.  She runs to one side of the room and turns around to survey the cleanliness of her precious abode and excitedly jumps up and down and declares with a triumphant tone, "Mommy, you did it!!"  And as she dashes out of her room once again, this exuberant statement trails behind, "Thank you for cleaning it all up!"  Be still my heart.  What did I do to deserve such a grateful child?  It's in those moments when the discomfort of being 18 weeks pregnant, crawling around on the floor on my hands and knees, and the frustration of where to put this or that diminishes and I think to myself, "I would clean it all up again, endure the discomfort all again, just to see the elation on your face and hear the sincere gratefulness in your voice."  I think it's a beautiful picture of how Christ sees us, too.  

Sometimes we can make a mess of situations.  Sometimes we get ourselves into a mess, maybe we didn't even ask for or create.  We don't know where to really begin in the clean up process.  We look around at the mess and feel its just too big or too much.  It looks hopeless and we despair at what we live in.  Sometimes we need to ask for His help to begin the process.  Maybe by asking for forgiveness. Maybe by declaring your need and dependence on Him.  Maybe by confessing your failures or mistakes and telling Him that you can no longer do this on your own.  Sometimes you may not need to ask.  He may take the first step by removing one thing from your "room".  It could be the catalyst that sets you on a new path seeking Him and then He begins to show YOU how to clean up some of your mess.  Either way, you won't have to do it alone.  He'll be right there beside you, helping you, showing you what step to take next.  And when He gives you a clean slate, a fresh pallet and a new life, I know how His heart must feel when you give Him the glory and you praise Him for "cleaning it all up".  I think its in those moments when He can look at us and say, "It was worth it, all the excruciating pain, the heartache, the torture and the torment, I'd do it all again for you to love Me, adore Me and recognize Me for what just took place in your life."

I want to live with that heart of thankfulness and gratefulness, everyday.  I am beyond thankful to be a parent and get these glimpses of how God sees me as His child.  It has truly helped me see through His eyes.  It has helped me forgive even myself at times.  It reassures me constantly how much He does love me and how much He wants good things for me.  I may not have always been given the best example of a father in my earthly father, but God, my Heavenly Father, has been all the example I need.  

If you're at a difficult place in your life right now, uncertain of your place in this big world, feeling unloved or unwanted, let me encourage you today by simply saying, there is a God who loves you, adores you, waits for you with open arms; who wants to pick you up, clean up your messy life, give you a brand new life and set you on a path full of purpose and joy.  All you have to do is ask Him.  His sole purpose is to bring you into His family.  There's no better place to be.  

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here!" 

2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV